The Ultimate Guide To Shattering Approach Anxiety With NLP

photo credit: Broken Glass Shards Urban Exploration April 19, 20101

Approach anxiety. A subject all men are familiar with. We all know the feeling. You see a hot girl. Your natural wiring gets activated and sends signals to your body to prepare and do your best… but instead of going up and saying “Hi, my name is X”, you freeze. You start thinking of the best line you can use, whether it would “work” on her, you start wondering about whether you look alright, whether your prepared for this, soon enough you start rationalizing with thoughts such as “she would never go for me”, “I’m not feeling that confident today”, “she looks like a slut anyway”, “I’m not that kind of guy” and so on, creating barriers in your head that simply aren’t there. For some, even if they find the courage to walk up to her and open their mouth, they freeze right after the first line, overcome by negative emotions that kill any relaxation required to have a normal conversation.

Depending on whether you’re a glass half-empty or a glass half-full kind of guy, the truth is this: approach anxiety NEVER goes away. Even those hardened pick-up gurus that approach hundreds of girls a day still feel some anxiety when they approach. The difference, of course, is that they don’t get overwhelmed by this natural response and they manage to go into a resourceful state instead of a negative one. If you feel negative whenever you think about approaching and you just can’t seem to shut the negative chatter out, this guide will give you the tools necessary to break this cycle and get access to much more productive states when you approach women, stressful social situations and other events where you feel like you’re on the spot.

Before we begin, I should say one more thing. Approach anxiety is your body’s natural response. It is a way for it to sign that a potential mate is in front of you and preparing you so that you can be in your best state of mind. In fact, every athlete, performer and public speaker gets this kind of anxiety before a big event. A better name for approach anxiety would be excitement. This is because our organs and senses get an adrenaline spike, in anticipation for an important event. The problem arises from past conditioning and association of this excitement with negative outcomes. That’s how excitement turns into anxiety. Most people that have debilitating approach anxiety are silently playing a negative movie over and over again whenever they encounter this stimulus. What happens is that through repetition, or better said, repetition of inaction, this trigger becomes stronger and stronger. The good news is that it’s possible to break this cycle and program your brain to play positive movies and trigger resourceful states.

All the knowledge you need to approach and seduce women is already inside of you. What we are going to do is give you techniques to consciously access these resourceful states so that through repetition, they flow into the unconscious competence stage, at which point you will be doing everything described here on auto-pilot, without even thinking about it. Let’s begin.

1. Program to Relax

The first and most important thing is to program ourselves to relax.

This and every subsequent technique can be learned on your own, without the help of a hypnotherapist or NLP practitioner.

What you will need:

  • Willingness to follow the instructions and a belief that what you learn here will benefit you (very important)
  • A room free of distractions (computer, cellphone or other people). You will need 10 to 15 minutes for this.
  • A comfortable chair

Here is the procedure for the relaxation program:

  1. Shut off all distractions and noises that may affect you and become seated.
  2. Take a deep breath
  3. As you exhale, close your eyes and say in your mind “relax now”.
  4. Visualize a big, bright, white ball of light that is hovering right above your head.
  5. As you continue to breathe slowly, feel this ball of light enter the top of your head, melting away all tension, worry and stress. Continue with this as the light descends to your neck, shoulders, chest, back, arms, hands, hips, genitals, legs, feet and the tip of your toes. Let go of everything and just let the light go through the floor, carrying away all the tension and worries.
  6. Slowly start counting in your mind from 10 to 0, doubling your relaxation with every count.
  7. After this you will count to 3 and open your eyes as follows:
    1 – Feel energy coming into your body from all directions.
    2 – Become aware of your surroundings.
    3 – Open your eyes and become aware of how good you feel.
  8. Look around, get up and walk a little and then repeat this procedure 5 more times, remembering to close your eyes as you exhale and saying “relax now”. You can do it all in a row or you can space it out throughout the day.

This is the basic relaxation program. You will want to practice this at least once a day to strengthen it. Next we will anchor this program.

2. Creating a mind trigger for relaxation

Now that you’ve learnt the relaxation procedure, it’s time to anchor it to something that can be used in every day situations. The trigger will be the pressing of your thumb with your index finger. This can be used without having to be seated and without closing your eyes. Here’s how we’ll do it:

  1. Take a sheet of paper and write down 3 situations in your past when you felt really calm and relaxed. Take your time. A sentence for each situation will suffice.
  2. Become seated, take a deep breath and relax, saying “relax now” in your mind.
  3. Go back in time to the first situation you wrote down when you felt calm and relaxed. Notice the things you saw, the the sounds you heard, how you felt (both externally – your skin and body, as well as internally – your emotions), any smells or tastes that you might have had. Fully experience these things as if you were there now.
  4. Focus on this feeling and intensify it as much as you can.
  5. As you reach your peak, press your thumb and index finger together and say to yourself “relax now”.
  6. Count to 3, open your eyes, turn your head and look around for a bit.
  7. Repeat the same procedure with the remaining two situations that you wrote down. Remember to focus and intensify each feeling and to trigger the anchor just as you’re close to or are already peaking. This is important as you don’t want to anchor your trigger to when the feeling is fading. Also don’t forget to do step 6, which is giving yourself a small break before you proceed.

After you’ve done this, we will do something called future pacing. This is done in order to reinforce the anchor we have just created.

  1. Become seated, close your eyes and as you exhale say “relax now”.
  2. Visualize a situation in the future where you would be feeling tense or anxious around the opposite sex.
  3. As you start becoming anxious, press your thumb and index finger, triggering the anchor we have just learned.

You will need to practice in real life situations to achieve maximum results with this. But you should already be feeling quite relaxed whenever you trigger this anchor.

3. Anchoring technique for confidence

This technique is similar to the one for relaxation, except that we’re going for confidence instead of relaxation. Some of you might ask me “well what if I never had a situation where I felt confident”? If you can’t remember one, make one up! Imagine what it would feel like for you to act confident in a situation. Here’s some more food for thought: “I’ve never felt confident” implies that you know what confidence is like (because you notice it’s absence). So you can see that such a statement cannot be true. We all know what confidence is, even if it’s not immediately obvious to you.

  1. Take a sheet of paper and write down 3 situations in your past when you felt really confident and assured. Take your time. A sentence for each situation will suffice.
  2. Become seated, take a deep breath and relax, saying “relax now” in your mind.
  3. Go back in time to the first situation you wrote down when you felt confident and assured. Notice the things you saw, the the sounds you heard, how you felt (both externally – your skin and body, as well as internally – your emotions), any smells or tastes that you might have had. Fully experience these things as if you were there now.
  4. Focus on this feeling and intensify it as much as you can.
  5. As you reach your peak, press your thumb and index finger together and say to yourself “I’m confident”.
  6. Count to 3, open your eyes, turn your head and look around for a bit.
  7. Repeat the same procedure with the remaining two situations that you wrote down. Remember to focus and intensify each feeling and to trigger the anchor just as you’re close to or are already peaking. This is important as you don’t want to anchor your trigger to when the feeling is fading. Also don’t forget to do step 6, which is giving yourself a small break before you proceed.

Do the same future pacing procedure from the previous technique.

4. Reverse Spinning Technique

Whenever you’re fearful or experience a negative emotion, it starts as a distinct feeling in your body. Usually it starts in the stomach and goes either up to your head or down your legs. The reverse spinning technique allows us to reverse a negative emotion before it takes hold of us completely.

  1. Become seated and close your eyes and relax.
  2. Go back to a past situation when you felt nervous, anxious or fearful.
  3. As you enter the mental movie that is playing, notice in which part of the body the negative feeling originates. For example, it could start in in the stomach and move up to your head.
  4. Once you’ve identified the location, give this feeling a colour.
  5. Now visualize the flow of this feeling reversing as the initial colour changes to a pleasant one.
  6. Do this faster and faster as the flow is going
  7. Open your eyes and look around.

You can use this technique in emergency situations. As always, use future pacing at least once to test and then repeat it to strengthen this technique.

5. Circle of Confidence

This technique is used to reprogram your mind to react positively to a future event, whether it’s approaching a woman, giving a speech, going for an interview and so on.

You will need some space to move, at least 2 feet forward and 2 feet back, as this technique requires you to be standing.

  1. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and as you exhale “relax now”.
  2. Think of a time in the past when you felt really confident.
  3. Notice what you’re seeing, hearing and feeling. Experience everything as fully as you can.
  4. Intensify this feeling.
  5. Now imagine that you’re standing in a circle and this circle has a powerful, vibrant colour.
  6. Add any other senses that will help you strengthen the feeling of confidence: sounds, music, maybe even a certain smell.
  7. Before the intensity of feeling confident fades, take one step and leave the circle.
  8. Open your eyes, look around for a bit and feel how it is to be outside this circle as your revert back to a neutral state.
  9. Now close your eyes and step back into the circle. Feel this powerful energy flowing back into you, along with the appropriate enhancers that you added.
  10. You can repeat steps 2 – 8 for as many times as you want to strengthen the circle.

You can use the circle of confidence (also know as the circle of excellence) with future pacing. You have to repeat this technique a couple of times with a future situation that usually affects you negatively after which you don’t have to do it anymore.

Suggestion for music: go with some funky 70s and 80s tracks from softcore flicks or one of the soundtracks to Tarantino’s movies.

Recap

You now have a number of techniques to use whenever you’re in a stressful situation. So when to use which?

The relaxation trigger can be used anywhere, anytime you’re feeling tense and stressed out.

Whenever you’re approaching fire the confidence anchor. You can also fire the relaxation anchor before it as states can be stacked.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with powerful negative emotions and the relaxation or confidence trigger aren’t doing it, the reverse spinning technique should be used.

Lastly, practice the circle of confidence with future pacing before you go in for an interview, meeting, date or approach. You can also visualize the circle being right in front of the girl you want to approach, feeling as your state changes as you step into the circle.

Remember that you need to practice these techniques on a regular basis if you want them to work. The more you use them in actual situations, the more powerful they will become.

Practice these techniques in less stressful situations and gradually escalate. Like I said in the beginning of this post, approach anxiety will always be present, but you can get used to it enough so that it doesn’t completely paralyze you.

photo credit: Broken Glass Shards Urban Exploration April 19, 20101

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